Wednesday 27th - Direction

It's fair to say that I've had a bad morning. It was a great dinner last night at Queen's College Oxford, and whilst not hungover from alcohol, I have an approaching dark patch on the horizon. For many years I have been told by various people to get a proper job and stop doing all the pro bono work, and I've resisted given that I've been laying the foundations for the future in what I've been doing recently. Two months of pseudo-holiday however, even with bits of work here and there, have left me feeling somewhat empty and bored. I enjoy travelling, but all I've been doing has left me at the point where I'm getting absolutely nothing done.

I have to-do lists, oh yes, I have to-do lists. I have them running out of my ears, but they never seem to get done. I sit down at my desk at home and try to do them, but the internet's on so I faff, or I tidy my room a bit more and waste time that way. For too long now I've been trying to mix work and home and I've realised that they really don't mix. Having read an article about working from home last week, I can understand exactly where the author was coming from - it's very difficult to have discipline, especially when, as I am, working in your bedroom.

It's that discipline that I lack. Yes, my bedroom is my recording studio but otherwise I just don't get any other proper work done when I'm in there. I want to make voice acting pay - I therefore need to get my backside in gear to create, mix, burn and post demo CDs to producers. I want money - I will have to get a temp job or tutoring or similar. I want to write - I therefore need to be in an environment where I can work without distraction. I do not have that self-discipline in my own room.

My realisation is this - if I am to get anywhere, I need to be flexible, yes, but I also really need to make a distinction between life and work, homespace and workspace. This means, of course, getting out of the house. I need to go somewhere - a library, a cafe or similar each day and work without distraction. I need to set clear goals and deadlines for myself. If I want to get somewhere, I really, really need to put more effort in. At the moment time is going past at an alarming rate and I need to make the most of every single second. That way days won't feel wasted, and when I visit people it'll mean so much more. It's up to me to hold myself more accountable.

I can't lost the internet, it holds my friends and my work as well as relaxation. I just have to set clear boundaries as to how much I should have to stop myself being stifled and held back. Once again I find that it's all about balance.

This is why I'm currently sitting in the Wellcome Library in London, having achieved in the past two hours what I haven't been able to so far in a few days. It looks to be a good afternoon and evening.

Monday 25th - Preconceptions

It was the first time I'd been camping in 15 years. Last time I was sandwiched in a 2-man tent with two other men, albeit all of us being 12 years old. Since that time, and the one time before, I have studiously and systematically avoided going camping until this weekend, where I decided that it was time to get over it and a stag weekend was the best way to do it. Of course, when it came down to it my paranoia was more about fitting in than spending the night outdoors, but I was fretting at home before catching the train, hoping that something would come along and stop me going. Of course, nothing did.

For a long time I have thought that to achieve Inbox Zero, an empty email inbox, was a tremendous goal. That means I would be efficient, finally dealing with everything and being free to blitz my to-do list as well in a storm of productivity. I finally achieved this goal at the beginning of the month, having dispensed with all audiobook and VA work, and replying to everyone else's emails. Sadly, I hated it. I really, really hated it. The sight of an empty inbox scared me to a tremendous degree, certainly more than it should have done. But why? I've seen an empty inbox before. What was so special about this one that got me so riled?

I'm not alone in wanting (or not wanting) something as a cover for something else. I didn't like camping because I like creature comforts, but this weekend it was more about my personal insecurities over fitting in than anything else. Having travelled and slept in many different places, outdoors was not a terrible thing. I was merely keeping my dislike going for my own purposes. To have nothing in my inbox similarly scared me because I've become so reliant on technology and gmail dictating my life, telling me what I should be doing at a given time that to be free of it scared me. I have become conditioned to google and my computer, it seems.

The camping trip was of course excellent - great fun, good company and a lot of exercise. The weather was perfect, the stars clear and bright, enough to see the Milky Way and Scorpius. Inbox Zero, whilst seemingly awful was a good wake-up call for me. I am too reliant on my inbox to direct my life. I wouldn't have found these things out though without challenging my ideas and going for the things I think I want. Of course, once again I find myself realising that what I think I want and what I actually want are two very different things, and often I'm barking up completely the wrong tree. As usual, it's only by facing fears and my dislikes do I become truly free.

My next goals therefore should be to go potholing, delete my account from facebook and make Inbox Zero last.

Sunday 17th - Reempowerment

The main grumble, as far as I see it, with the expenses claims of MPs is the hypocrisy of it all. As we are told on the news, 40 years ago there were no free phone calls, an allowance of 3 sheets of paper per day and no postage; nowadays the pay is double that of a front-line soldier and so on, with a generous allowance system which they have voted in themselves. They have manoeuvered themselves into a position where they have become wonderfully disconnected from the people and seemingly untouchable because of the public malaise.

It is said that the devil's best trick was to convince us that he didn't exist; in so many areas it seems that we have done similar things. Others have called themselves irreplaceable and convinced everyone else of this, keeping a grip on power; people who say things are 'the way it's done' can sometimes be hiding the sentiment 'the way I like it done'.

Thus certainly the British people are left to grumble and complain with no-one listening, because we don't think anything will happen. It's not just in the Palace of Westminster; it's in local communities, churches and schools. If the people who can change things don't get to hear, then nothing will get done - I found that out previously where those in charge were just being told that everything was OK, when everything seriously wasn't.

When I hear someone complaining, I've now started asking, "So what are you go going to do about it?" If MPs are claiming too much, what can we do? Petition, write, go to the surgeries, use votes and many other things. If people are parking in the wrong places or abusing the system in the local area, we can go to the council, talk to them or whatever. As the voting advert from years ago said, if you're not willing to do something then stop complaining.

But it's more than that - it's about believing again that we can make a difference, that we can have a groundswell of dissatisfaction for those in power and get them to listen, no matter how much they put their fingers in their ears and sing happy songs. It is possible to make things change, make things more open and dynamic by talking to people, finding out what everyone wants and getting things changed - that's what elections and AGMs are for, I suppose. First though it's apathy that must be targeted, apathy through consistent beating down, or apathy through cynicism.

There is a problem - what are *you* able to do about it?

Saturday 16th - Counterpoint

A CONFEDERATE SOLDIER'S PRAYER
Author Unknown,
(Attributed to a battle weary C.S.A soldier near the end of the war)

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve;
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy;
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life;
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among all men most richly blessed.

-------------

Addendum from me:

I asked for security, that I might be safe;
I was given insecurity, that I might be open.

I asked for long-term, that I might enjoy what is mine;
I was given short-term, that I might value the present.

I asked for a quiet life, that I might have it for myself;
I was given a busy life, that I might share it with others.

I asked for opportunity, that I might excel;
I was given challenge, that I might grow.

I asked for normality, that I might blend in;
I was given difference, that I might stand out.

I asked for many friends, that I might be popular;
I was given good friends, that I might be loved.

I thought I needed what I wanted, as it was about me;
I realise I wanted what I needed, as it's about others.

Monday 11th - Sleep

I was told it couldn't be done, and telling me that is like giving me a big red button and telling me I shouldn't push it. It was back in the second year, and the 'sleeping partners' exercise was coming up. The brief was to leave a room where your acting partner was asleep, and that the scenario should be designed so that the consequences would be the direst imaginable. The stakes had to be raised to inordinate degrees.

We had the child escaping from the sleeping paedophiles, the prisoner of war escaping from his captor and many others all leaving on pain of death or torture. My challenge was to do this exercise, but make it nice. I didn't want fear to be the main driving force, I wanted to be different, and thankfully I had an idea.

So there I was, outside the door looking in. Balloons were strewn on the floor, tripwires were everywhere and pictures on the walls. I crept in, avoiding the bells tied to the strings and made my way over to the bed. I opened the stocking and put in all the presents, before smiling and making my way out. After all what, I asked, was the most precious thing that is prized above anything? What is the highest stake? Even though I'm not a parent, I know it's your child's love, trust and innocence.

I like to find the good in situations and turn it around, even when it looks all too bleak. I'm a great believer in searching for another way, of defying death and hopelessness - of asking, 'Where is God in this'? We can't change the world unless we question that received wisdom: 'it can't be done nicely, it's always going to be motivated by fear'.

It also got be extremely high marks in that acting exercise.

Sunday 10th - Syllabus

The question of what science is has been around for millenia - for me, it is the quest for knowledge through the scientific method: you formulate a theory, you design and perform an experiment, you collect data and you refine or dump your theory. Wash, rinse, repeat. Science, by peer review, aims to build a world model that objectively explains the phenomena we see around us - why apples fall to the ground, how aeroplanes fly and so forth.

Faith, on the other hand, also uses the scientific method: you think of a problem, design and perform an experiment of sorts and from the evidence refine or dump your theory. That's how it seems to me, and how I have come to find faith. The experiments may not be lab-based and up to the level of 'scientific' scrutiny, but they are matters of subjective reality, allowing the faithful to build up a model of the world that subjectively explains what we see.

For me, it's the same method and the same principles of discovery; it's about looking at problems, then thinking in many ways and forming a practical solution that makes sense to me. Of course my science has come from school and upwards into university and my faith has come from church and other people, but this is where I think the debate between science and religion has come about.

In GCSE chemistry we are told that protons and neutrons are hard balls in the nucleus with electrons as small balls orbiting at high speed, which get shared or transferred during ionic and covalent bonding. As soon as you walk into the A-level classroom you are told to forget everything you have just learnt - there is no such thing as ionic bonding. The chemistry undergraduates shake their head at this - bonding isn't even like that, and protons and electrons are merely possibilities of finding a charge in a probability field.

We lie to our children to get them through exams, and many leave school with either the plum pudding model of atoms or the billiard ball idea, all because we didn't feel they were ready for the whole truth of what we know. Similarly people go to church and start on the basics of who Jesus is, what we believe He did for us and so forth, but some people get stuck there on the journey. Just as chemistry postdocs know a lot more about their field of research than others, so people who have researched and worked in both faith and the background have more intellectual authority than a recent convert.

It's because we make a start with the received wisdom of both science and religion that we have those on both sides claiming that the other lies. I applaud GCSEs for getting children thinking about science and the Alpha course and the Atheist bus for getting people thinking about God, I could sit in both classrooms shouting that the teachers are lying and it's not like that at all.

I don't believe in the slightest that science and religion should be attacking each other and that there should be open warfare, especially as I am an astrophysicist and a Christian. Our main enemy is ignorance. It's lack of thought, it's blindly accepting what we are given without questioning it in all walks of life. It's failing to ask why, or how, or where this all fits in.

Some people place their faith in God, others in the expectation of a better world model through the scientific processes, but wherever they place it I hope that it is done with careful thought, asking the difficult questions, acknowledging the doubts and getting the evidence for that faith. Religion and 'science' are stepping stones, but each must be challenged and tested. Our fight is not with each other, it's with the apathy of ignorance.

Saturday 9th - Speechless

For an actor, it's very strange not to like talking to people - well, it's not just talking to people, it's asking for something. I've never really had a problem going up to someone and striking up a conversation, but when it comes to getting what I want, it's a different matter. It really came to a head last year when I attempted to do some phone marketing for a good friend's storytelling business - I just couldn't ask people for something.

The Glasgow food festival this weekend is showcasing the best of the nation's produce, from haggis to whisky and cheese to beer, and there were so many free tasters that we did not need lunch, especially after the majorly huge buffet breakfast from the hotel. Still, we looked around and I found myself getting food and actually asking for a discount. Incredible! Whisky beer £2 a bottle, but I asked for 3 for a fiver!

I know it's not much, and it's hardly rocket science, but I'm beginning to find that if you just ask people for something you can generally get it - at least there's nothing to lose. The same came when we went to the Auchentoshan distillery later on - we were on the bus (which eventually took 75 minutes) and I decided to phone ahead as it appeared we wouldn't get there anytime soon. They were able to then stick us on the last tour of the day when we arrived and didn't take any money from us because we were late and had told them - free dram of whisky then!

It was a day of extremely good food, but also of gaining confidence - talking to people and asking for things and being amazed at the result. Now I feel like exploring more and more what I can get with this technique - after all, flirting got me an excellent deal on my phone which no company's been able to match so far...

Thursday 7th - Pariboro

The premise of Pariboro is very simple - you have an 8x5 grid consisting of squares of one of three symbols. You are then given a pair of symbols that you must match to the grid - when you match the pair, it disappears and when you remove a row, everything moves down to accomodate and you get fresh opportunities to keep going.

If you make the right decisions and you have the luck of the draw everything works just nicely and you keep going for a while. The wrong decisions however leave you with odd ones here and there and you have to be lucky and use your pairs wisely to be able to bring the rows down to pick up the disconnected pieces and be rid of them completely.

Life can sometimes feel like this. You have the various elements - work, home, the future and so forth, and life continues dealing you things that you can generally cope with. Too much of the wrong thing, bad choices or simple bad luck sometimes leave me feeling very disconnected and I have to work hard to bridge the gaps and tie up the loose ends before I can continue.

As I played the game I noticed myself feeling very happy whenever I managed to make the connection with a lost part; the single blocks have a habit of sticking out in my mathematical mind's eye as 'bits that don't fit'. When I was able to manoeuvre the blocks so that they could besorted out, I was a lot more comfortable. This relates to my overactive conscience which nags me when there is something unsorted in my life.

You can end up sometimes with full screens of tiles partway through, or skeletal tree structures which push your luck like nobody's business. All in all though a nice distracting game to take your mind off life. Or not, for that matter.

Wednesday 6th - Travel

In the last seven weeks, I have done an awful lot of travelling. I have returned to my native land from India, visited Bournemouth, Coventry and Cambridge and bounced between Birmingham, London and Oxford. I am now in Glasgow, taking a rest from everything that has been going on.

The last journey, the four-hour slog from Birmingham up north wasn't the most difficult one, even though people sat at my table and expanded, squashing me into the window seat more and more. No, the hardest one was the trip from Cambridge back to Brum, taking almost three hours to do what in a car would take half the time.

It's strange though how with something wonderful comes difficulty sometimes - growth, understanding and change. It's strange how I often find myself wanting to cry but in the end not doing so. It's not only physically that I have travelled, but also quite a fair bit within myself and other relationships.

I am now in a place I've been before; it's familiar and I know my way around, but sufficiently different to qualify as a good change for me. I now need to switch off a little bit and rest, before hitting the West Coast Main Line again next week.